The detonation of cooking gas is different from that of gunpowder. The latter is a solid, usually in a highly compacted form such as a firecracker or bullet or grenade, so that detonation is virtually instantaneous- a "bang!" Cooking gas, however- whether "natural gas" (methane) or propane- spreads itself into a considerable volume, which makes the detonation much slower- a "fwooomp!" My research has revealed that "fwooomp!" is actually an acronym, standing for Failure to Wisely Observe Optimal Operation of Methane or Propane. Further research has discerned four levels of F.W.O.O.O.M.P., stepwise above the zero-level or "wise" operation:
| Level | Action of Subject | Result | Effect on Subject |
|---|---|---|---|
| 0 | Lights match, turns on gas | ----- | ----- |
| 1 | Turns on gas, lights match | Fwoomp! | Startled |
| 2 | Turns on gas, hunts for matches, finds one, lights it | FWOOOMP!! | Embarrassed |
| 3 | Turns on gas, hunts for match, phone rings, it's the ex-lover; several minutes of agitated conversation, after which subject seeks to calm himself by lighting a cigarette |  |
Minor burns, loss of hair, broken windows |
| 4 | Turns on gas, hunts for match, phone rings, it's the ex-lover; several minutes of intense conversation, after which subject rushes out to ex's house; a night of reconciliation and passion; in the morning, subject returns home, pauses at door in happy reverie, lights a cigarette |  |
I'll tell you after I've located all the pieces |
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